Growl,growl,growl

I dont feel any love going on here.
Today sitting in the car was nice, everything turned out fine. but until we reached my grandparents house, I just felt a little weird and I explicitly can explain that.
I dont really like my grandparents, especially my grand daddy): because whenever I see him, or visit him for lunches and dinner, he never ever says 'I love you' or 'Do you want some of these vegetables?' or even an hello. Everytime i see him its just awkward silence, the giving out of cash and the usual sentence.

"Study hard."

Today while I was holding the lamb chops and he put out his hand to correct my holding and it felt freaking awkward so I immediately pulled my hand away. I partly cant forgive him because of what he did to my grandmother.
I want the childlike curiousity which can enable me to just hop up to my grandfather with love. Reading whale riders helpedd alot - never realized lit can make me happy. God is graceful and his grace is never ending and I really want to work on our relationship before it gets too late, but sometimes I really feel like yelling into his head and knock some sense in his head. Sometimes I even want him to mature and kick some common sense into him and his head. His grand children are not going to be robots, studying and getting good grades everyday just to make him happy and contented, because money and studies aren't everything and at least that's what I think. Sounds selfish and self absorbed and idiotic but thats how I feel and think and I really want to work on a better relationship with him.


1. Study for major math test
2. Study chinese
3. Kill myself and die.


Oh how fantastic its just three days and i'm dying.
Weehaaa.